what worked and what didn't

I have noticed that from last semesters writing to this new one, that my writing hasnt really improved very much. I still struggle to keep organization in my writing and when i feel like i do have it organized it isn't very much improvement. I guess i can say that i do not feel very confident with my writing and not comfortable at all. I try letting other read my writing so that tthey can grade in on their skills but that still leaves me feeling bad about my writings. I'm not expecting a really good peace to come out of me but to become a writer that feels good about his work. I was able to analyse my genre i chose very well. I knew what ways beer conpanies used in order to manipulate viewers and some of those ways was throughtout humor and women in their commercials. Viewing my creative ads i believe i was able to recreate an ad that would use humor but instead for the beer i used it against the beer and i dont know if that can be really easy to do or a little difficult. Over all I finished the essay but like always I'm unsatified with my essay because either thats who I'm or it is obviouse my work sucks and need pro. help.. :)

another example of a beer ad

jukeboxheroines.wordpress.com,

Here is another ad that like all other beer ads. This tries to grab the viewers atention by using a model in their beer ad in order to sell their product. One thing that I noticed was that I really didnt pay attention to were the words a the bottom because for a few seconds I was focused on the girl and the guitar she was playing IN THE WATER! was is that, just another stupid beer ad. Most ads dont make sense but they do it in order for viewers to think of that ad and how studpid it was, but hey your still thinking of their product. Another thing that i also noticed on the ad was the pair of wing they use on the "dean" i believe as in a way to show freedom.. perhaps freedom of stress or anythinng that troubles viewers to think that dean is a way to release stress. The time its taking place is sundown which is of course time when most people start to drink head out to bars and clubs. This in a way may look like a dumb ad but perhaps it was a well thought out one.

writing my draft/essay

the way i write my draft paper is by usually jumping in it and going with the flow. I usualy end up with a really sucky paper and i have to re-write most paragraphs. So what i would like to do this time is actually think out the process of writitng the paper. i know last semester i talked about using an outline, that would really help me out so i could have a flow throught my transitions between each paragraph and people can better understand what my essay is about.  When writing my essay i would like to let other people read it and give feed back that way i can get an understanding of what is clear and what isn't and also what i need work on. I dont expect this essay to be the  best one ive written so far but i do hope to improve my writing skills to becoming a good writer.

Genre

The genre i chose was one that in a way just came to my mind but it was also a genre that worked in the same way as the cereal box, alcohol commercials direct their commericials to young audiences because it would be an age group that alcohol companies profit off the most from. The type of commercials they show the viewers are a group of friends having fun at a pool party or at a bar surrounded by atractive women enjoying the sunday night football game. The way i came to choose my samples was by thinking of ways buisness or the gov. used inner feelings intended to make the viewer feel for that product or event. Another example would be the US gov. recruiting for the military. One way the gov. was enlisting people in  WWII was by using posters to reach peoples feelings. They would have a man with a tuxedo staring down, while on the outside, you can see throught the window friends or soldiers marching by, and then at the bottom of the page you would read.. On which side of the window are YOU!?
One way i could combine both genres is how the military and alcohol both kill young adults..and ask a question should the legal drinking age limit go down? because people can vote for a president kill for their president at age 18 but they cant drink at age 18. They both use imagry to catch the viewers inner fellings of FUN, DUTY, WOMEN, GUNS, in order for them to but the product and enlist.

some of the ways that i can incorporate the feedback from my paper is by saying how i will make it better if i were to get a second chance to re-write the proposal. i need to focus more in my solution and put more detail into it. i also need to target my audience in a matter that would relate to their feelings of the subject. i wasn't to clear to who this proposal was directed to and that is a topic i missed many point on. it would become better writing if i knew how to gear my writing toward a audience

Proposal Comments

Regarding the comments I received on the proposal paper, I got similar feedback to what I have gotten before. I still need some developmental work on structure, although I also got comments that this aspect of my writing has definitely improved since the beginning of the course. I talked about structure in my inventory letter quite a bit and the comments I received on this paper will surely add some detail and example that I will be able to additionally provide to the letter.

Can i use these comments?

     Of course I can use these comments. For my revision assignment I am definitely going to take your advice and count all the words in my sentences and try to vary the length instead of everything being so repetitive. I am going to read each sentence out loud and see if everything flows continuously. For example, I am going to first add more to my paper then read out loud, then check if everything sounds right. Hopefully this technique will improve my paper and give me an A+++++++.

Improvement

I plan on writing more objectively than I have been because that was the biggest shortcoming of my paper. This will come from me first deciding who my audience is before writing my paper. If I do this, I will also be less likely to use informal language, and I will probably feel less need to write in the first person.

yo yo yo yo yo

Okay so I read over the comments aaannnnddddd...the biggest problem was not enough talk about how I was going to help cure obesity.  I did a good job setting up why it's a problem, but I needed to focus more on the solution.  I thought I outlined it pretty well, and didn't think it was necessary to fill ALL the blanks for the reader but oh well.  In terms of my next paper I'll just make sure my formulation of claim is strong and my solution is explained deeply.  My portfolio paper is going to be a good one because I have all of these revision ideas in mind. 

Portfolio/Inventory Letterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I will make sure to place my thesis much earlier in my final portfolio paper, as it helps dictate the rest of the paper. For my writer's Inventory Letter, the strengths and weaknesses will be outlined clearly, and I will explain how they fit into my writing as a whole. To further improve my final portfolio paper, I will better keep in mind who my audience is.

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The most common issue with my writing is the placement of commas. Sometimes I add commas unnecessarily, while other times they are absent altogether. I wrote about this very issue in my Writer's Inventory letter. I pause in akward places throughout my sentences, and forget to add commas when necessary. This is a relatively surface-level weakness, but it resuls in an unpolished final product. Punctuation has always been a weak point of my writing, and can be worked on through close revision in future papers.

OMG!

the comments that you left me are that i need to have smoother transitions and have a clear audience. I have to find ways instead of saying "one reason" or "next" to make my paper flow smoother. I have to have a clear audience by keeping my voice and word choice in the tone that I need for the clear audience in my paper.

Judging by my comments, I need to be more clear and focus more on my solution in my paper. It was suggested that I also bring up my ideas for a solution earlier in the paper. If I decide to revise this paper, I will fix all the punctuation and gramatical errors first, try and get to the point earlier in my paper and be more clear on what exactly my solution is.

Hi

I have to state my claim sooner in the paper. Also, I have to claim my audience sooner.

Stating my claim sooner will help my paper because I can back up my claim throught the paper. In other words, the later I state my claim, the less space I have to back it up. The same thing goes for the target audience. The sooner I state my target audience, the more I can adjust my arguemnt towards them.

Last Paper Details

The aspects of my latest paper that need work is organization and audience.

My paper was too informal at times do be geared toward the audience I had intended. I could rewrite some of my paper to make the letter sound more formal. The word choices could be more appropriate for my audience.

The other aspect of my paper that needs work is the organization. The statistics need to be more at the beginning and overall I can improve the organization and structure of the paper.

I got an A!

In my next problem/ solution paper, I will include more options and refute them to make it clear that my solution is the best one possible. In this specific case, I found that the traditional procedure, burying the dead, was really the only option I needed to refute. Any other options were just additions that could be made in addition to the burning of the corpse. I did find one very interesting solution, but it works in a way that people are more uncomfortable with it than they are with the thought of creamation. The new process I learned about was liquid hydrolysis. The body is hydrolized by an acid and turned into a greenish-brown liquid. They take this liquid and put it in batteries which can be recharged. . . very interesting, but even more morbid than I cared to entertain.

Portfolio

I feel that revising my sentence structure is the biggest opportunity in my paper. Sentence structure has been a common issue in all of my papers and I think it will be the easiest to fix. I plan on using the word count strategy to help me address this problem. The second opportunity for revision is punctuation. I need to focus on my punctuation to prevent comma splices. Comma splices have been a major issue in my writing the entire semester. I plan on reading the paper aloud to help me locate awkward sentences.

After reading the comments in my proposal, I know which aspects of my writing have improved and which things I still need to work on. One of my greatest issues throughout the semester was maintaining a formal tone. I mention this problem in my Writer's Inventory Letter, but I did not mention that I have greatly improved because tone wasn't a problem in this assignment. What I should mention in my Writer's Inventory Letter is that I should improve my language because I use vague and weak sentences that could be more powerful. I will also mention in my letter that I must also focus on sentence structure because my sentences in my proposal were almost the same length.

Reflection on proposal

For my Writer's Inventory letter I will make sure I have a strong conclusion, no run-ons and state my problem more clearly. With these items it will help the readers understand what I am specifically trying to say and not just assume what I am trying to say. I will also try my best to avoid repetition because repetition bores the reader. I will also continue to reread and keep my eyes open for any errors.

Portfolio Paper

I will incorporate the feedback into my letter as well as my portfolio paper. I will use the grammar and specific structure suggestions in order to make my paper the best in can be all together. I will take each and every piece of feedback to heart and consider it all to conclude how it will affect my writing. Feedback and suggestions are the best way to make papers better, which is why I will do my best to make every necessary change to my portfolio paper as well as my Letter.

W.I.L.?

Well I finally got an A on a paper! I've never been so happy this early in the morning, except maybe on Christmas! :) I seem to have an issue, using contractions. This is the second time that you have made a comment, about this particular issue. I will be making sure to take out all of these in my Portfolio paper. I also have reciently visited the writing center and we disscussed the difference between then and than. Ironic, that today I recieved the comment that I need to watch which one of these I use, and when. I will be working on this for sure, in my Portfolio paper. Also punctuation has never been my strong point, so I will be making sure that I pay particular attention to this as well.

Comments, Comments, Comments

For my Writer's Inventory letter, I will incorporate the fact that word choice and sentence length are still some of the weaknesses that I walked into class with. I will go back through my revision log to count how many words are in each of my senteces to see if I have enough variation. I will also make sure that my sentence structure is perfect in order for the audience to understand without being confused with the punctuation. The fact that I need to work better on diction ties into the fact that I need to work on my word choice. With working on my word choice and diction, my paper will sound more mature and clear for the intended audience to understand. So....yeah....

Works in progress

After reading over the comments I recieved, I know I need to work on incorperating stronger, more specific words into my writing so that I can make my point clearer to my audience. I need to make sure that my audience is clearly stated. My supporting evidence should be clearly outlined and analyzed so that my thesis is supported.

Using Feedback!!!

After reading over the comments on my paper, there is definitely things that I can use to make my portfolio better. One of the things that I can use is making a stronger introduction. Having a strong introduction leads the reader to want to continue reading and see what you have to say. Another thing that really needs to be worked on is my punctuation. I really need to work on this before English 2030. One way that I can fix this is by reading my papers out loud and see where I can add necessary punctuation. I can include these ideas in my writers inventory letter as possible weaknesses.

Revisions for Portfolio

I believe I can do some easy things to get my paper to become more effective. First, I can cut out all uneeded words, replace words with shorter words, and not use unclear diction. Certain words must not be used because they distract the reader from the visuals. These words I am talking about are usually inflated words that really have no definite meaning. When speaking about topics, I will go in detail about what it is that I am talking about. If I do use these broad terms and words, I will make sure that I explain it one or two steps further.